And as quickly as one door closes, another door opens.
Triads are interesting and challenging and we’ve had more failures than successes yet we continue searching and have come to realize that it’s not the third person that’s the “unicorn”; it’s actually us.
We closed a chapter over the past week and started a new, optimistic relationship that may offer the promises we hoped for in all the other relationships. We’ve always set our requirements and desires for a third person high and the latest has certainly not disappointed.
We’ve started down a new path and one we look forward to with great optimism. Sexually there’s a wonderful dynamic and there is wonderful physical chemistry. But there’s an intellectual component that we could have only hoped for and we certainly feel as though we’ve hit the triad lottery.
Interestingly enough, we don’t plan on changing our approach or desires. If she works out, we’ll be thrilled. If not, it will be another lesson learned.
So chapter 1 of our life in a triad has come to an inevitable end. There were exhilarating moments, passionate sex, great food, fabulous museums and exposure to thoughts and ideas. But distance and closeness both have an edge that can be equally as sharp and ultimately can create challenges. More powerfully are the disparate goals and philosophies that make you incompatible. Once exposed, they produce irreparable fissures that time simply can’t close. It doesn’t mean you don’t love or care for others in the relationship but it does mean it’s time to move on. We will always have fond memories and will hold onto them forever. We will never look at the city the same, never go by the places we frequented together without saying, “do you remember when…”
We learned the value of honesty, the damage of untruths, and the richness of the passion of ideas. We also felt the powerful lessons of managing complex relationships, more complex than the average person endures. We took notes, discussed privately sometimes, with all three at other times, what we liked and disliked in the triad relationship. We don’t look at the experience as bad but rather well within the parameters of the cliche, “better to have loved…”. Oddly enough, as I typed “loved” it came out “lived” which is what we truly did the past six months.
We also came to realize that people don’t have baggage but rather stories and history. They’re not damaged only different. You see each person for what they are and you learn to accept the things that make them who they are. It’s truly what made the past six months so much fun and so memorable.
This relationship was intensely sexual but equally intensely intellectual. It was genuine friendship and exploration. We found our way, briefly, as a triad and it was fulfilling and wonderful.
We spent a very relaxing New Year’s Eve weekend going to a hockey game, eating some great food and having an overall relaxing weekend. I discovered Anthony Bourdain, enjoyed some movies I hadn’t seen, got an Ess-a bagel (for those that don’t know, some of the best in Manhattan) or two, and generally speaking just enjoyed ourselves. Our next trip will be in a couple weeks and I’m looking forward to a new chapter!! Stay tuned!!
It’s been too long since I’ve put something in writing about my personal relationships and I think I may wait a little while before I do so. I’d like to determine the trajectory of some of my relationships before I finally put their resolution in writing.
Professionally, however, my clientele continues to grow and that expansion brings with it a wonderful new set of personalities and stories. My latest client is “H”, an older and incredibly articulate submissive who suffers from erectile dysfunction. He paid for a 30 minute video session but I gave more time because he was so inquisitive and interesting. I love when a submissive takes a genuine interest in me because I always have a genuine interest in them. “H” was curious about my orgasms, about what pleased me, about what I felt when having sex. He reminded me of a doctor with a fabulous bedside manner who would take the time to ask about your symptoms in order to better diagnose the problem. “H” and I talked for 45 minutes and yes, he wanted to get off so there absolutely was an ulterior motive, but his interest was genuine and the admiration of his Goddess quite real.
I got to the end of the session, left him with a little extra something to imagine and fantasize over and went on my way. I do so hope to see him again!!
Hub and I now practice the ultimate submission – financial and I think this may have wrought even bigger changes than any kind of sexual submission for both of us.
It’s an extraordinary thing to realise that it was easier for him to hand over the keys to his cock than it was to hand over the details to his account and whilst sexual submission was relatively straightforward, financial submission has taken much more work. I do understand as I know that it is something that I myself could never do but our reasons are the opposite sides of the same coin.
I’m going to generalise (ofcourse) but here’s my view. For a woman, career choices and financial independence has allowed women to make many life choices, some good some bad. Prior to those choices, access to resources has traditionally been via a male. It isn’t that long ago even in the progressive societies that women were not able to secure a mortgage without their husband’s signature and though there were always households that the man handed over the wages to run the domestics and got “pocket money” for beer in return, marriage as an institution has always meant security for the woman and a supply of sex for the male. It aint called “marital duties” for nothing…
For his part, often subconsciously, a man who pays the bills expects the woman to do her bit and supply sex. I say subconsciously because even if the “open your legs if you want a new kitchen” type of conversation never takes place, there is still an undercurrent of resentment if the sexual supply – as it were – is cut off. This is even re enforced by women feeling guilty and putting up with unwanted sex just to maintain the marriage or prevent the man going off (taking his resources with him) and conducting an affair.
The harshest way to describe this is to call it a form of prostitution but even at its least offensive, it does reduce sex to a maintenance obligation for the woman and sex without particular value for the man. At the end of the day, crap sex results.
So , having wound the feminists up to a fever pitch, how to solve this?
When my hub and I met, we earned the same and met as peers. I have always earned my way and have always resented the sexually reductive behaviour than men seem to delight in – especially when feeling a little intimidated by strong women. I still don’t believe that I am actually any kind of natural Domme if you define it as the other half of the D/s equation as I have never sought submissive men but felt from a relatively youthful age that the girls who pandered to boys undersold themselves in some fundamental way. This feeling matured into a strong urge to make my own way in the world and never be beholden to men. Whilst this meant that I never had sex unless for anything other than for its own sake this caused problems. Past relationships ended in bruising power struggles to the point where I thought “fuck it”, if male / female relationships required my submission in any way, then I wasn’t equipped to make them work and restricted myself to flawed relationships where that could never happen.
Financially, things progressed well. I did well in my career, invested well and was very financially solvent when I met my hub who was divorced. When we married, I had never really thought in the terms I outlined above, we were in love, had a very active sex life and were both very communicative and open minded. He discovered a latent urge to submit sexually to me – probably triggered by the type of woman that I am and a lot of our journey has been chronicled on here.
All good so far.
The collision started when I gave up work after becoming pregnant and after my cash ran out, I was faced with the very real fact that the only money coming in was his salary. Cue identity crisis and MAJOR readjustment. Although I kept my own house and put a tenant in it to pay the mortgage and retain the asset, I still had no cash flow and no money of my own and I struggled massively with this. I know for some couples this is no big deal and many stay at home wives rationalise it easily all the time. They run the house, being a wife and mum is a job in itself etc . For me, the first problems really started with comments – often said in jest – such as “well, I’m paying for it anyway” etc. We tried to mitigate it by him transferring money into my account – like a salary – but even so, as a woman pulling in a six figure salary, this was a storm boiling away on the horizon and those clouds were very black.
From his perspective, he had also always earned a high salary and understood perfectly that male resources = sex. The one thing that was interesting was that although he and his ex had had a good sex life, he had always had to initiate sex. Now of itself, this can mean very little but when he actually handed over sexual control to me, it was quite a gamble I think. What if I said “thanks” and thought “that’s a relief. One less marital duty to take care of”? I do read plenty of posts on various forums that it seems that’s what has actually happened too.
I think the very fact that I took his sexual submission to be the gift it is and creatively made it work for us, financial submission was just a tiny bit easier for him. It is, after all, the very final lever. It was far from simple as it turned out and the first time he gave me his password, he actually suffered a panic attack. What if he came back from work and I had cleared his account? What if the previously financially savvy woman he married suddenly developed a complete on-line bingo habit? All these thoughts went through his head and seeing how upset he was, I let him back off for a bit, calm down and it was a few weeks before we tried again.
It hasn’t been plain sailing. He still interferes once in a while and I can see him getting anxious so try and make it as easy for him as possible. We have made significant progress to the point where our outgoings are much lower and we are building up good sound financial assets for our future together. His financial submission to me has meant a great many things. Right at the top of the list is the clear demonstration of trust and love and I value that immensely. Close second is that whilst I still struggle with the fact that I do not earn in my own right, that looming sense of loss of control has eased greatly. I can use my business brain to keep us upright and going forward rather than my skills rotting away in some housebound baby fog. It took four years to get my MBA after all and have managed large operational budgets professionally.
His feelings of submission have significantly deepened now to the point where it is now just the way we do things and simply at the end of the day, I am better with money than he is with more time on my hands.
I certainly don’t say enough about my top financial submissive. He’s a wonderful little puppet, dancing happily at the end of my string, giving me everything I want and need. A new Tory Burch purse, a weekly gift, trips to the bank, gift cards and a promise that his inheritance becomes mine.
He’s so gloriously compliant with my demands and is truly a puppet, a pet, a little boy. His cock needs continual discipline and torture. I love the time he spends with me. He’s learning how to be a better submissive, more obedient and focused on my needs, demands and desires. I would not have this any other way and it will be a wonderful day when he’s able to provide for every need and I may cast aside the other submissives who become so fragile and demanding despite the fact that they are…
“g” lives for my happiness and pleasure. Every morning he greets me, throughout the day he checks up on me and if I say, “g”, I need money put in my account, he does it. He works all day for me, then comes home to work even more for me.
True devotion and submission.
As we navigate our way through this relationship, I’m grasping better the roles that each of us play in this dynamic. Our foreplay doesn’t always happen in the bedroom. It’s as much an intellectual pursuit as it is sexual. I’m also learning I’m the facilitator in many regards. I bring a clarity to the differences in this relationship and I manage to steer all of us in directions that we may not realize we need to go. It’s not one of manipulation but of seeing things from an objective viewpoint and helping all of us comprehend the complexity and beauty of a triad relationship. Maybe there’s something that pushes a button of someone else or a misunderstanding of intent or desire. In some ways, I’m the glue that holds the triad together, at other times, the “Swiss army knife”, finding that correct tool to make things work or to fix a minor problem before it becomes a large one. We all possess something in this though. For “N”, it’s an intellectual insight into a life that we have not been involved in many years. For “E”, it’s managing the expectations; desires, sexual, physical, intellectual and emotional. We all have a place in this and have learned that frequent communication, especially after an intense night of sexual contact or possibly a mild tiff, is the absolute key to making this work. Our communication may be a bit methodical, but it’s consistent and deep. Our contact is consistent. Either we’ll show up on a Friday and leave on a Monday or she’ll show Friday evening and leave Sunday afternoon. Regardless, each morning, we’ve built a somewhat consistent routine of breakfast and an “after action report”, talking about what we did the night before, what we loved, what turned us on, our plans for the day, the next evening or whatever may work it’s way into our relationship. We continue to find our discussion afterwards as intense as the sexual component the night before. And more often than not, that serves as the foreplay for the next afternoon and evening.
Sex is a major part of this triad. It’s not the only thing but it’s the component that binds us in so many ways. We share a man and in turn, he does his best to sexually pleasure us. Maybe individually, maybe together. it may seem hedonistic and in many regards, it certainly can be. But there’s an element of intellectual sexuality, where the mind plays a starring role and we find ourselves motivated by the curiosity, the passion, the security and the comfort as much as the orgasm.
We’re now settling into our roles but also realize that there’s an evolution of those roles and at times, one person may intentionally stray into another person’s role because they have unique experiences or insight that helps the other two. Regardless, the joy of this triad continues to manifest itself each day, even when we’re apart. We have a longing for her and she for us and we realize that the time in between being together does much to heighten the passion and desire. It also makes us far more appreciative of the time spent outside the bedroom, in a museum or perusing galleries or going to a party or fine restaurant. This is all part of the relationship and triad, it’s what makes it exciting and so worthwhile.