There are a lot of struggles but many, many joys involved in relationships. Add a fetish or two, some kink, a video camera and some websites, submissives and dominants, mix them all together and it is wonderfully passionate and challenging all at one big kinky time. Throw in the pressures of life, a burgeoning business, careers and worries and you have two choices. Either lean on each other, embrace the kink fully, make it part of your life and passion or let all that drive a wedge between the partners in the relationship. We choose to embrace this wonderful life.
What we’ve learned was actually from a workout class we’ve been taking where the leader of the class says, “just do you”, meaning, not everyone is at the same level physically. Maybe you can go to a certain point that someone else can exceed. It’s not important how far you go but how hard you try. If you’re able to go 100 yards for 100% and someone else can go 150 yards for 100%, just do you. Give it your all for as long as you can and then stop.
We also learned much from Midori, a wonderfully insightful lady in the bondage and BDSM scene. We attended a class of hers the after a bit of struggle in our relationship. We talked about rules in the scene, what makes a dominant or submissive, are the lines blurred, does it matter and who, after all, does set the rules? Adding to the advice from our PT instructor, “just do you”, came the advice, “don’t worry about the rules but fit all of this into YOUR dynamic”. Sage words indeed. Now to only follow those rules as much as we possibly can.
The fetish lifestyle does bring with it such excitement and passion for us that it’s like the drugs we never took. It can truly be addictive and in such a wonderful way but as with any passion, you must find ways to balance it. Professional athletes will routinely train every day but even with them, there’s an off season and period of rest where they let their body and mind recuperate from the stresses and strains of their grueling lifestyle. They have a passion for what they do but realize that maybe once a week or a few times a month or several weeks out of the year, they must take time to recharge and reevaluate. The same is true for this lifestyle.
How can you know the passions fueled by your fetishes if you don’t take the time to back off them for a bit?
Along with all this, you have to know when to put down the whips and floggers and just hold someone. Even in the most intense sessions, you must check on the partner to see if they’re okay. Sessions can become so intense that you in essence forget to breathe. Sounds simple and breathing is supposed to be involuntary but eventually, even the restriction of air will cause unconsciousness which while finally cause you to breathe again but at what price? It’s the same with this lifestyle and the passion behind it. Forget to breathe in this relationship and you may suffer dire consequences. And it’s imperative that each partner make sure the other is okay. Taking that time to stop, hold, listen, feel, communicate and connect will cause the relationship to flourish. Failure to do those things and the fetishes and fantasies are all worthless. Take time for little things and the larger things all seem to fall into place.
And as much as we may not want to acknowledge this, there has to be a element of tenderness and understanding, time where you cry, you hold, you listen, you talk and you connect. Pull yourself away from your fetishes for a while, enjoy the day together, put down your phones and laptops, listen to each other and connect on a level outside the fetish/BDSM lifestyle. A cup of coffee or a simple meal connects you in ways that no lifestyle ever can. Put away the implements one evening, lay in bed and give your partner the partner they were attracted to at the beginning. Maybe it’s how you smell or the feel of your skin or the strength of your arms or the rhythm of your breathing. Never fail to do something for the other, it does not make you submissive or dominant to engage in actions that may be opposite what you normally are. Are you dominant? Kiss her feet. Are you submissive? Tell him to lay back, you’re in charge for that moment. As Midori said, there are no rules, they’re the rules that you set within the boundaries of your relationship. As our workout leader says, “just do you”. Follow these.