Obesity and BDSM

Below is a reprint of another person’s post on Reddit.
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http://www.reddit.com/r/fatpeoplehate/comments/2j1x0i/bdsm_fat_people/

I need to rant and this is the only place I feel like I can say what I want to say. So, just a quick warning, this is going to include a lot BDSM scene talk.
I never noticed how fat the general population is until I stated getting into BDSM. I attended different munches and I’ve been to play parties / rope events but I’ve slowly stopped going.
The number of fat people is ridiculous! And it really bothers me. I love kinky sex, and I really would love to get more involved but the obesity just makes me uncomfortable and I feel like I stand out.
I’m 24 years old and I’m at an ok weight. (5’4″ & 130ish pounds) and I’ve recently started going to crossfit! So I’m not a health freak, but I keep an eye on my weight.
But like at the events I definitely get a ton of attention because I’m one of the few girls that aren’t fat. If the room was filled with more normal sized people, I wouldn’t feel like I stood out so much. I would love to play in public but I always feel like I just walked into a cage of fat lions. It’s a lot of unwanted attention from chubby men, in a room a filled with fat women and me.
Most of them are old, and kind of chubby or obese. And the younger girls are mostly completely obese. There was one girl at the bigger play party i went to that was like 25 and really skinny but she was like the only one and she already had a dom and they were like doing their own thing.
And I don’t understand why there are so many obese people and why the BDSM community seems so pro-obesity. On kinky and popular (on fetlife, the facebook of BDSM), you always see posts from submissives / slaves about how they’ll do anything for their dom. How they’re such a service / pain slut and just love to like put themselves second to their dom. Then you go to their profile and they’re like 100lbs overweight.
If you’re into pain, and doing nice things for your partners, then wouldn’t you be into exercise??? I don’t get it. At least part of the reason, I go to the gym is to look good for my future partners. I do it out of respect for them. Crossfit is painful. My legs and arms always hurt afterwards, but it’s worth it because I’m showing respect for myself and my partner. How is that not “of service” and “putting my partner first” and all those characteristics subs go on and on about on fetlife? How can you be so horribly overweight, and live so much in this fantasy world that you do everything for him/her, when you can’t even restrict your calories for them???
I don’t get it.
And also, dominants go on and on about how they are there for their submissive and how their rules, and guidance is there to improve their submissive and all this. They’re there to protect their submissive. So shouldn’t you encourage your submissive to not eat so much an to go to the gym occasionally??? Like you’ll see daddy doms with obese submissive baby girls. If your a daddy dom, isn’t part of being a daddy is to make sure they don’t eat way to much? If you’re taking care of someone, and you’ve decided to be in charge of their life, how can you allow them to be obese, and say you’re doing a good job???
And like, the same thing goes for doms too. If you are expecting to be in charge of someone’s life, then shouldn’t you be able to manage your own waistline? Do you really expect me, who goes to the gym 3-4 times a week, and counts my calories every day to play with someone who is 40lbs overweight???
It’s also annoying because I’d like to play with girls / have a threesome or like just in general have more options, but there just aren’t that many skinny people to choose from. And I’m picky. So I might like see 2 or 3 sort of attractive guys my age there, and 1 or 2 girls… It’s so frustrating! Because I’ll find people who are really nice, have the same kinks, would love to do a scene that I’d love to do, but they’re super fat. It makes me angry! And I just want to be like…. why did you let yourself get like this??? We could have had so much fun!
TLDR: I’d just really like to be more involved at the BDSM play parties and events. However, there are a lot of fat people and it’s frustrating for multiple reasons.
I stand out as like one of the only skinny girls, and the attention makes me uncomfortable.
If you’re really submissive, and want to put yourself second, serve your dom, and you’re really a masochist who loves pain, shouldn’t’ you be into exercise?
It’s really hard to find attractive people, who I get along with, share my same kinks, and aren’t fat.
51 commentsshare

14 thoughts on “Obesity and BDSM

  1. I totally agree! It’s gross. I’m on fetlife. My handle is Pure_Dominance. The site is bombarded with obese people. The munches are 80% fat. It’s like that in every state. I think fat people go to BDSM because maybe it’s easier for them to find a partner willing? I don’t know but it sucks that they flock to it. I have to sort through them to find the handful of people that take care of their bodies.

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  2. I lost allot of weight and I notice that the pretty thin people are the “performers” and the fat people are the patrons. This is pretty funny to me and it shows a definate pattern. I see that people in the bdsm scene get fatter over time.

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    1. Let me clarify our thoughts. Anyone is free to pursue whatever they love regardless of weight and size. I think that it’s an obvious health issue to be morbidly obese, but that’s a person’s choice. What is most interesting are the number of morbidly obese folks that seem to engage in physically damaging bdsm. We always wonder if it’s just an extension of the damage done to their bodies by being morbidly obese. Not a judgement, just an observation.

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  3. I have wondered the same thing. For a group that is supposed to be into discipline there doesn’t seem to be a lot of people who have it.

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  4. A little late to the party but yes, it’s true.

    The site is overloaded with fat chicks with bad attitudes and the thinner chicks have even worse attitudes. Deleted months ago and never looked back.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think there are a few factors contributing to this phenomenon. Firstly the USA is in general not overly-filled with healthy people. The average US citizen is more than 30lbs overweight (as of 2011 data, probably worse now) and so the chances of finding anyone who’s healthy, never mind anyone in the BDSM community, is low.

    Secondly, in my experience a majority of “submissive” women are suffering from poor impulse control (hence the obesity, among other things) and part of the appeal of having someone control them is the removal of personal responsibility. It’s the “I’m submissive to X so I’m no longer responsible for how I look” routine.

    As for flabby male “dominants” this is a clear case of compensation. When you are halfway to looking like a woman (gotta love those man boobs!) you need to find ways to convince yourself that you’re still something of a man.

    The number of true submissive females and true dominant males who aren’t compensating for shortcomings but merely expressing their deepest natures is very low indeed. Unfortunately…

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  6. Heyyy, something semi recent that I can throw my 2¢ into! I notice this too often, so much that I came here from
    Googling it. Yes, it’s a gross pattern that I’ve found all over the kink and poly world. So much so that it actually has done some reverse psychology perhaps on me. It makes me question why I am into kink and if I should be. I think it is that way for them because they indulge too much in their pleasures. Just like working on my body takes self control. Self control that others may not have. It’s really messed with my thoughts, but it’s safe to say I’ll stay away from the meetings and save it for future partners (after creating a foundation other than kink)

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  7. I am the one who wrote this reddit post. I’m pretty sure I wrote it over a year ago or maybe even two?

    I still stand by it. Since then, I’ve tried moving more towards CL, okcupid, and swinger sites to find what I’m looking for. It’s easier to find attractive people on hook up sites, who are open to kink, than it is to find kinky-identified people who are attractive. As for swingers, they generally take better care of themselves and they love unicorns. So it’s pretty easy to have my pick of them.

    It still isn’t a perfect solution though. You can’t really find relationships on hook up sites. Also, if you lead with “Hey are you kinky?” on a dating site, they’re going to assume you’re only looking for sex and/or you’re a weirdo. I could just not mention it until later, but like I don’t want to wait 6 months into a relationship to find out if we’re compatible. I’ve done that before, and I only ended up getting my heart broken.

    I liked fetlife though. It’s normal on there to be openly sexual and kinky but also be looking for a long-term relationship. But I just didn’t find a lot of attractive people on there who were actively involved in the kink community. So it was difficult for me to follow the traditional advice of just “go to the munch to meet someone”.

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  8. I’ll speak as a big person myself and how this post is encouraging my decision to enter the BDSM world. I’ve been interested in BDSM since 2009 because of people i have been around. I have been working on my physical appearance for the last 2 months as to improve my health, appearance and well being for the person/persons i will be venturing into this lifestyle with. I used to be really fit in high school. I played football for 4 years and then retired due to an injury. Now, I’m not what i used to be, i’m quite big but have my figure still somewhat. I understand that there are a lot of obese people in this type of lifestyle but you shouldn’t have to retract from it because of what other people think of you. Everyone has their own preference and you’re welcome to chose who you want to be with but yeah. Right now, I’m currently trying to learn the “tools of the trade” as i will be pursuing the Dominant role, so I’m looking into rope tying and learning other things. As I’m regressing back to my old fit self, I’ll be learning new things so i will be in these places as my current self. Reading this killed my spirits in terms of even wanting to TRY to learn anything or be involved until i get to where i want to be physically. The thought of being shunned at because of my size is more disappointing than hurtful. I’m not one for being offended because my personality isn’t weak. Regardless, i will pursue what i want and i will be shunned all i need to be but when I’m physically back to my high school body.. i really hope i don’t see those same people coming back for attention.

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  9. I was going to refrain from commenting on this post, and I actually read it before I wrote my recent piece on body image and health in the BDSM scene, but since you reposted my article here I feel the need to say something: the tone of this post felt really judgy and ignorant to me. Just using the example of the person who commented above, there are many reasons that people become obese, and the main one is physical or mental trauma. I again refer you to the ACE study conducted by Kaiser. I avoid using the word “fat” to describe anyone, even if they use it themselves. “I’m 24 and I just started going to crossfit!” says a lot about your limited experience in the scene, your access to expensive exercise programs and your arrogant assumption that most people choose to be morbidly obese, limit their energy and freedom of movement and shorten their life expectancy. I posit that it’s not a choice for most people, that it’s a perfect storm of cheap crappy food that preys on poor people, and as I backed up with research in my post, trauma.
    I would strongly urge you, black widow, to spend a little more time researching your facts the next time you consider a “rant” (your word) of this nature. We need to frame this conversation in a way that helps people and that means being knowledgeable and compassionate first and foremost.

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    1. Betina. First. READ THE ENTIRE F’ING POST!!! I did not say I was 24. That entire article was a repost and it clearly states that!! So before you get on your high horse about something that I DIDN’T write, pay more attention to detail. I don’t say whether I agree or disagree with the post, it was an interesting one that I thought may provoke thought. Much like the current political discourse in this country, it’s people like you who don’t bother to read the whole article or listen to the entire comment before they go off on some half cocked response. I won’t say if I agree or disagree with your post either. I thought that reposting yours would also provoke thought. You’re dismissed.

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    2. Betina. Not sure if my original response came through. So let me try again.

      READ THE WHOLE F’ING ARTICLE TO INCLUDE THE PART THAT SAYS IT’S A F’ING REPOST WHICH IS IN THE FIRST SENTENCE!!! Not sure how you missed something that obvious. You’re a prime example of the negative discourse in this country. You failed to read everything or listen properly and assumed I was the author. I’m not 24 years old which is the first clue I didn’t write that article. So instead of launching a negative screed, read everything and respond to the proper author. I only posted that because it was interesting not because I agreed or disagreed with it.

      You’re dismissed.

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