I found this article on Reddit and wanted to share it. I will make my comments in a later post but I’m interested in others thoughts on this.
submitted 1 year ago by beforeiamtoolate
This is the first time I’ve ever truly needed to turn to Reddit for real life help. I’m looking for genuine help on how to make our situation better. I’m sorry I don’t know exactly where to begin, but I’ll do my best.
My boyfriend and I, both 32 years old, have almost been together for 6 years. Overall, we have a trusting and loving relationship; you know, the usual good stuff. He has always been able to make me smile and laugh like no one else, and that is one of the many reasons I fell in love with him.
The first two years of our relationship were perfect in every way. I have some (at times) serious medical issues which cause chronic pain, among other unpleasant things. But the first two years we were together I had far more good days than bad days. We had satisfying sex on a regular basis, unless I genuinely wasn’t feeling well. I already felt in my heart that I couldn’t wait to spend forever with him.
The second year of our relationship is where things got a little more difficult. We moved from an apartment in the middle of a nice city, to a tiny house in the middle of nowhere. Since I had felt pretty good during the first couple of years of our relationship, I neglected my doctor appointments and follow-ups. Right around the time we moved is when my health began to decline. I wasn’t exactly happy in our new house, but kept reminding myself that we all have to start somewhere. My health didn’t make things any better. My constant trips to doctors and specialists for tests and follow-up appointments is exhausting. He knew I was not well when we met and has always been very supportive, going to almost every single appointment with me.
Around the time of our move and my decline with my health is about the same time I discovered that he had a slight interest in latex. Being that I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend, I jumped in feet first, without thinking, and we purchased a made to measure catsuit for me. Our relationship was new and exciting and I wanted to keep it that way. But when we picked the catsuit up, and after the first time I tried it on, something in me shifted. I suddenly realized that I didn’t want this. I had made a mistake. The catsuit made me feel claustrophobic, like I couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t that it fit wrong, it just made me feel awful and trapped.
This catsuit sat in the closet in a dark bag for a very long time. My boyfriend would occasionally ask me if I wanted to wear it and I always replied with a heartbreaking ‘no’. It didn’t take long for me to feel like I was letting him down and that feeling made me even more apprehensive to wear it or even look at it.
I don’t have an exact time table for how things would go over the next couple of years, but our sex life would fall into absolute shattered pieces. He had become resentful that I wouldn’t wear the catsuit. But after a couple of what I thought were good and clear conversations, I had made it clear that the latex just wasn’t for me. I was apologetic about it. The last thing I ever wanted to do was let him down.
I’m afraid that is what I’ve unintentionally done and he has become resentful with me. Last year the latex came up again, only this time he wanted to buy a catsuit for himself. I just wasn’t okay with that. We compromised on a smaller piece of latex. He found a pair of latex shorts he wanted and I was as supportive as I could be when he ordered them.
No one could have prepared me for the toll that small pair of shorts would take on me emotionally. It wasn’t just the shorts though. His Reddit history is full of the r/shinyporn subreddit. It is all he looks at. Sometimes he will come home from work and make a kind of announcement (one that would eventually cause me to have small panic attacks) that he was going to go change, and this came to be his way of announcing to me that he was going to put his latex shorts on. I tried and have still tried, but I can’t figure out my role in his latex fetish. I don’t want to have a role with it and have made that as clear, in the most loving way possible. For me, when he puts the shorts on it feels like I am being punished for not liking it. And I constantly have to clean up the mess he makes just putting them on. I can start to smell the baby powder, even from downstairs, and know that I will have to clean it up. Another reminder of this entity in our home that I want nothing to do with.
This has driven an even bigger wedge between us and our intimacy. I haven’t ever really had anyone to talk to about any of this, but finally told my best friend about all of it today. I felt like if I didn’t tell someone I was going to explode. I didn’t tell her to make fun of him nor to have her look at him any different. I have been very sensitive about his feelings and the latex.
Every month for the past few years we have gone through this exhausting conversation with him berating me about why I can’t accept it. Last night in a heated argument he said it wasn’t for me nor did the latex have anything to do with me, that it was for him. It felt so selfish to hear him say that. We share our home, we share a life, we share everything; how could he say that the latex doesn’t have anything to do with me?
After carrying this rather heavy burden around on my own, I finally sought help with a Sexuologist. I have only seen her a few times. Her words, not mine, are that if it makes me uncomfortable and it isn’t something that I am okay with, he should not keep pushing it on me. But he has. I have done research online to try and better understand his fetish. I have tried so very hard to not make him feel embarrassed about it. All I want is for him to start hearing what I am saying about how the latex really does bother me. He brushes it off as I must have a scarred childhood and that it is my fault. He has made it my issue to resolve as if there is something broken only with me. On a side note, my boyfriends father left when he was quite young on his birthday. During another argument, he accused me of making him feel like he was becoming his Dad, which would mean I’m apparently making him feel like he wants to cheat? He has since apologized for saying that, but an apology doesn’t erase the memory of what was said.
I can’t tell you how many tears I have cried and how inadequate I feel. I just want us to be able to go to bed together and please each other. I don’t want him to keep telling me that I need to fix something that is broken with myself. Our intimacy has been broken for a while and I want to rebuild it. But I can’t begin with this wedge in between us.
He rarely, if ever, puts his arms around me and tells me I’m beautiful just as I am. I never see him look at me with desire like he used to. I want to see him look at me like that again. I want him to be able to enjoy me and for us to enjoy one another, just without the latex. I don’t believe there is any psychological damage on my part just because I don’t want to participate with the latex.
The bottom line is that I love him enough that I want him to be happy. Last year I told him that if he thought he couldn’t live without the latex as a part of his life that I would leave, without making a scene, so that he could find someone to share his fetish with if that would make him happy. He didn’t want me to go and he didn’t want to find anyone else. To be honest, I didn’t and don’t want to leave, but I don’t want to make him unhappy. That was then – now my gut tells me that he feels differently and could be considering ending our relationship over the latex. Four years ago I couldn’t have imagined everything beautiful that we have experienced and built together coming to this.
Can anyone please help me better understand? I would say that I am typically a level-headed woman, but I can’t seem to think straight to even try and comprehend what is happening and how it is possible for someone to potentially choose latex over a relationship with someone who is loyal, loving, honest and considerate. I am not trying to be unfair or selfish by saying no to the latex. I do love him and I want to be a part of a solution. But I don’t want to continue to be told that there is something broken with me that needs to be repaired. I’ve sought out professional assistance and done everything I know to do. I care about sorting this out and saving our relationship.
tl;dr – My boyfriend of almost 6 years has a latex fetish that I don’t wish to participate in. It has driven a wedge in between our sex life and all intimacy. He says there is something psychologically wrong with me that needs to be repaired and I believe that is an unfair accusation. I have come to feel inadequate and suspect he could be considering ending our relationship over the latex. I’m seeking out possible solutions, but I don’t know where to go from here.